Father,
I’ve just been thinking about my heart and the attitude of
my serving. One thing I don’t want to do anymore is ignore the things in me
that are not in line with you. The things in me that don’t reflect you and tend
to harm others. I want to know what it means to SERVE you and to do it with the
right HEART. I want you to change my heart Lord, to make sure it’s in line with
yours Father.
1 Samuel 16:7 -But the Lord said
to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature,
because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the
outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
#OPENHEARTSURGERY
Open heart surgery. That’s my prayer Lord. That you would
perform open heart surgery on me Lord. You see, I can change my actions on the
outside, but if there’s no internal shift I’ll return to how I was. You can’t
change an apple tree to an orange tree because the seeds that were planted were
not orange ones. You reap what you sow. If I sow seeds of bitterness and chaos,
surely that is what I will reap.
#OPENHEARTSURGERY
I struggle with my words. I say things sometimes that are
not nice at all and I don’t know why. I used to just excuse this as a character
trait of mine but this is not okay. As a child of the Most High God, I carry
His spirit and therefore ought to reflect Him in SPEECH, in deed and in
thought. Because I have His Spirit, I have fruits that reflect Him, like
patience and gentleness, in me. They must manifest in my life.
To be completely
honest, I can’t pin point why I do this. But as I’m thinking of this, I’m
remembering times where I’ve felt intimidated, where people have devalued me
and made me feel bad about myself. I’ve always felt like I had to be strong and
harsh to get people to leave me alone but it’s got to a place where its bled in
to all my relationships even when they haven’t done anything to hurt me
particularly. I remember I’d be talking to my Mum and something would come out
of my mouth before I could stop it. And every time, I’d feel terrible. I’d sit
in my room like I’m sitting now and think about what I said over and over and
over. I’d criticize myself, never giving myself a break.
I remember when some boys at school used to shout
Illuminati and laugh at me because I was a Christian and because I got
uncomfortable (not because they were shouting Illuminati lol). I was never good at ‘roasting’ people but I had to learn especially when
I found that I was the one being 'roasted' more often than not. I had to be strong so
people would leave me alone. It got to a point where if people said they feared
me, I would feel happy, I would feel a kind of smugness that I’d earned their
respect, or rather, their fear. I was no longer the target anymore, well not
publicly anyway.
#OPENHEARTSURGERY
It hurts me when people are hurt by what I say. Most of the time its not even purposeful, and it comes out way harsher than I intend it to. It’s not fun to make people feel that way. Funny how I now do what other people
used to do to me. It’s difficult admitting this. But I said I wanted change. I
said I wanted to do better, be better, for you Lord, for your Kingdom. I need
to be honest about the condition of my heart. It’s weird because I’ve never
been a bubbly person anyway…there has always been something that has been
burdening me, and usually it’s been to do with my family. I’ve always had some
chip on my shoulder. Always spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, being
bitter about my home situation, allowing it to harden my heart towards the people around me. I
think it also hindered me from truly understanding your love too Lord. I didn’t
understand grace and mercy at all, what it meant to love your neighbor.
#OPENHEARTSURGERY
My heart was hard. But you’ve positioned me in a place
where I’ve experienced what it is to LOVE people and SEE VALUE IN THEM. Even
though I’ve always wanted to do big things for you Lord, I realize that I never
believed I could do it. I had an inkling in the back of my mind but looking at
myself back then, I didn’t see someone that people would get behind and
support. I didn’t see someone who was ready to serve with THE RIGHT ATTITUDE.
With love. Not wanting to get anything out of it but just wanting God to be
glorified. I didn’t see any of that in myself. Again, sitting here and typing
this it’s difficult especially because I come across as quite a confident
person. But insecurity has gripped me for the longest time. Difficult.
Difficult. Difficult. Right now, I’m listening to Dr. R.A. Vernon ‘Pulling Me
Through’ and I cannot believe what you’ve pulled me through Lord God. You deserve all the Glory!
#OPENHEARTSURGERY
I guess my prayer is that you would perform open heart surgery
on me Lord. May your Word, which is sharper than a two-edged sword, cut me up
and may your love be the stitches that put me back together. May your love allow me to see VALUE in people,
FORGIVE those who have hurt me, extend GRACE to those who need it. May I serve
YOU and YOU alone LORD! Not serving to get attention, not serving so I can ‘one
up’ anybody else, not serving to prove myself to anyone else. But may my heart
reflect that of a true servant. One that wants to do the will of the Father. One
that simply LOVES the Father, with ALL HER HEART, ALL HER MIND AND WITH ALL HER
SOUL!
That was difficult to write but I thank you Lord for
placing me in a humbling position. An honest one. Give me a CONTRITE SPIRIT
GOD, one that will ALWAYS be looking to you to help me do better! Go deeper!
Thank you for being faithful even when I was unfaithful God.
#OPENHEART
PROVERBS 18:21
PROVERBS 12:18
MATTHEW 22:37
COLOSSIANS 3:10
